Drowning?

Photo by Ian Espinosa on Unsplash

I don’t know what to do when I’m both sad and depressed.

That might sound like the same thing but it’s not. I’m sad over specific current circumstances. But depression is larger than something like that. It’s all encompassing. Like drowning.

My life can feel meaningless. Like I’m a waste of space.

I really don’t think this is something I’ll ever fully be able to positive vibe and self-love away. There are times when I don’t want to be alive. When I wouldn’t mind if I didn’t wake up tomorrow. Wondering what else am I doing with my life other than taking up resources better reserved for people with a purpose? I know not everyday is like that, but it sometimes brews for quite a while.

Having people around often keeps me preoccupied from fully feeling it. But when it hits, I don’t even know how to be around people anyway.

This past year I’ve learned what happiness feels like. I understand that there is much in my life I am happy about. There is much I now know about myself that while scary, also makes me happy to be able to acknowledge. I know what joy is. And its memory is what I desperately cling to when these dark valleys overcome me.

I set out writing this blog as a discipline. To force myself to write something every day. But the more I set down to think through new topics, my thoughts always seem to come back to mental health and self-awareness and discovering how to be the best version of ourselves. Maybe, in some small way, this is how I discover what that elusive purpose is for my life. Maybe somehow by voicing my own battles into the void, one person will see my words on the page and know they are not alone.

Life is fucking hard. And right now our world is in a particularly confusing, scary time. But even if life were great, there are so many of us that would still have those days. Where no matter what, there is nothing tangible we can create or do to make the darkness fall away. We just have to sit in it for a little while until our eyes adjust and we start to see again, it is only then are we able to find the switch to turn on a light.

And you know what?

That’s fucking okay.